Humor: Why You Shouldn't Choose a Lame Dog Name

By Tamara L. Waters

Growing up, I had lots of dogs as pets, but it wasn't until I was 18 years old that I picked out my very first puppy of my own. He was a mixed-breed puppy, blond with a stripe of white on his forehead (see photo at left). I'll admit he was spoiled, and I named him Twinkie.

Yes, Twinkie. That’s right; I named the poor little guy after those delicious cream-filled sponge cake treats. Why did I name him Twinkie? My brother made the comment that he looked like a Twinkie due to his blond fur and the white stripe. My immature teenage mind thought “Awwww, Twinkie! That's such a cutesy wutesy wittle name for the puppy wuppy! *squeal*”

Looking back, I can see that my choice of name for this little guy doomed him to being the butt of every doggy joke, and friends and family alike viewed him as a frou-frou dog, even though he wasn't – all because of his name. He developed a little dog attitude that said to the world “Pamper me. I am the sweet Twinkie baby!”

Yeah, Twinkie wasn't exactly a good choice. My experiences with Twinkie are the perfect example of why a good name – and not a lame name – is important for a dog's self-esteem and behavior. After all, what self-respecting dog wants to be called Poopsy or Boopy?

The truth is, the name can make the dog. What would you think if one of those brave K-9 police dogs was named Puppy Wuppy, Cupcake or Twinkie? Mind you, these are all great names for cats, who couldn't care less about their name (well , except Puppy Wuppy; any cat worth his salt won't appreciate that, but they might let you live).

We choose names for our dogs based upon emotions, a sense of their personality and how we would like them to be perceived. If you have a guard dog, Fluffy may not be the best choice (unless you have a bizarre sense of humor and enjoy a good oxymoron or juxtaposition).

Why is it important for your dog's sense of self-worth to have a name that doesn't rate high on the lameness scale? Sure, all the experts insist that dogs only recognize repetition of sounds, words and phrases and don't actually understand. What if they did understand what you were saying though? Imagine the doggy conversation that would go on!

“Hey, get a load of Puffy there! Look, it's Puffy Snuffy Wuffy in his cute wittle collar!” Yeah, being bullied is never pretty and in the pack world of your dog, being called Snooki can be equal to a 12 year old wearing the Sesame Street sweater his grandmother made to gym class. You get the picture.

If you love your dog, be a responsible pet owner. When you choose a name for your dog, start by making a list of the lamest names you can think of. You know, the names that make you roll your eyes and snicker. Write them all down. Ask friends and family to help you come up with the lamest dog names they can think of. Add them to your lame list.

Then for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT choose a name from this list! Don't even choose a name that's not on the list but sounds like a name on the list. Steer clear. Avoid any association with these lame names like you avoid an angry skunk because just like skunk spray, a lame dog name sticks with you and causes you to make an ugly face. You know the face – where you scrunch up your whole face and it's obvious that something really stinks? Just don't do it!

Instead, choose a great name for your dog that will stand the test of time. Your dog will thank you. I am spreading the word in memory of my Twinkie, who deserved a name like Puddles, or Itty Bitty…or maybe Pooter.

Photo: Twinkie

Read more articles by Tamara L. Waters

Life, As Seen Through the Eyes of a Cat

By Rocky Williams

Editor’s note: We will be featuring guest bloggers here from time to time, and since my cat Rocky used to blog regularly on another site, he volunteered to be the first. Take it away, Rocky!

Well hello there. I have been observing this thing called “life” for seven years now, and consider myself something of an expert. I probably shouldn’t be divulging my vast knowledge of the feline mind, but I have nothing better to do at the moment since I’m under House Arrest. I’d much rather be out on gopher patrol, but the Warden (a.k.a. the human who feeds me) has forbidden it.

As a cat, I naturally see things much differently than the Warden and pretty much all humans. My “rule of paw” is that cats are superior to all creatures, and this has served me well. Cats have no masters – we have “staff.” The Warden likes to pretend that she’s the one in charge, but we all know better. She is the maid, kibble dispenser and bowl washer, plain and simple. She exists to do my bidding. When I want to be petted, I am. When I want my treats, I get them…or else! Ha ha. There is no noise quite like a cat being denied his noms.

The feline handbook gives us detailed instructions on how to annoy our humans. It tells us how to wake them up when we want breakfast: walk back and forth over their body, swish our tail in their face and meow with a “I’m dying of starvation here!” intensity that could wake the dead.

The handbook also explains how to perfect the art of getting underfoot so as to trip up our human, just for fun. It instructs us on the intricacies of kitchen counter surfing and how to foil our human’s feeble plans to keep us off of them. Moreover, we know that whatever we find up there is ours, to either eat, play with, or both. I do wish the handbook had told me that cayenne peppers were not good for either, but I suppose there are some things we kitties must learn the hard way.

The cat handbook mandates that everything in the house belongs to us. Yes, everything! Pens, pencils, nail files, hairbrushes and the like make wonderful cat toys. The Warden’s important papers are such fun to chew up, especially right in front of her when I can see her frantic face. We kitties are also quite fond of pushing anything we find on the coffee table or desk onto the floor. That is one great game we never tire of.

People always wonder why cats love to sleep in the sink. They think we should hate it since that’s where water comes from, and everyone knows how we feel about that stuff. Well you see, the sink provides a perfectly-cat-sized place to nap! Moreover, we adore giving unsuspecting humans a fright when they happen upon us curled up in the sink – or in my case, in the Warden’s turkey roasting pan (for the record, the sight of me sleeping in there made her laugh so hard she cried). 

If a human has the time and patience to teach us a trick (not an impossible feat by the way) we will on occasion – or rather, when we feel like it – perform that trick. But here’s the thing: we don’t do it to please you, we do it for the food. No noms = no cat trick. Simply put, if you want a pet that will dutifully obey your every command, get a dog.

Great Quotes Inspired by Cats and Dogs

By Julia Williams

Our pets have inspired many witty sayings over the years. Considering the extraordinary bond many of us forge with our four-legged friends, it should come as no surprise. Pets make us laugh and they make us cry; at times they even make us shake our heads and wonder “why.” Pets are, above all else, a source of great inspiration to me and to so many others. I could fill a book with all of my favorite quotes about cats and dogs. Here are just a few of them. 

Great Cat Quotes

“A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long a comedy is played by this incomparable actor.” - French novelist Champfleury

“It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more kittens.” - Cynthia E. Varnado

“The cat is above all things, a dramatist.” - Margaret Benson

“No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.” - Leo Dworken
“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.” - Bill Dana

“Some people own cats and go on to lead normal lives.” - Unknown

“If there were to be a universal sound depicting peace, I would surely vote for the purr.” - Barbara L. Diamond

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” - Anonymous “I gave an order to a cat, and the cat gave it to its tail.” - Chinese Proverb

“In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.” - English proverb

 “Most cats, when they are Out want to be In, and vice versa, and often simultaneously.” - Louis F. Camuti, DVM

“I put down my book, The Meaning of Zen, and see the cat smiling into her fur as she delicately combs it with her rough pink tongue. Cat, I would lend you this book to study but it appears you have already read it. She looks up and gives me her full gaze. Don't be ridiculous, she purrs, I wrote it.” - from Miao by Dilys Laing

 “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” - Unknown

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” - Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Time spent with cats is never wasted. - This quote, by French novelist Colette, is my all-time favorite.

Great Dog Quotes

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” - Anonymous

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” - Andy Rooney

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” - Ben Williams

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” - Roger Caras

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” - Josh Billings

“If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.” - Unknown

“You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, My God, you're right! I NEVER would've thought of that!”- Dave Barry

“Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well.” - from the 1991 book, Old Dogs, Old Friends: Enjoying Your Older Dog, by Bonnie Wilcox

“I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better.” – from the book Troubles with Bird Dogs by George Bird Evans.

“Even the tiniest Poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart.” - Dorothy Hinshaw Patent in Dogs: The Wolf Within (Understanding Animals)

“To err is human, to forgive, canine.” - Unknown

“He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.” – Unknown

“I used to look at [my dog] Smokey and think, If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking, and he'd look at me like he was saying, If you were a little smarter, I wouldn't have to.”- Fred Jungclaus

 “If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.” - cowboy wisdom

So there you have it, my personal list of favorite quotes inspired by cats and dogs. If you have some great quotes of your own that I’ve not mentioned, please do share them with us!

Read more articles by Julia Williams

Humor: Eight Reasons Your Dog Adores You

By Tamara L. Waters

Your dog loves you. Better yet, he absolutely adores you. There are many reasons why he thinks you are the best, but here are eight to start with.

Your Affection

Your dog loves affection from you. Whether it's a quick scratch between the ears or a leg-thumping back or belly scratch, your dog loves you for the physical affection you give him. Keep your dog happy by bestowing plenty of affection and attention on him, and he will reward you with his adorable antics and a slimy tongue in your ear.

Those Delicious Trash Cans

You dog adores you because of the wonderfully aromatic and delicious things you keep stashed in the garbage can or trash bag, just for him! He loves that you save wonderful “treats” and make him work for them, because as we all know, the anticipation and effort to get to those trash-can treats make them even tastier.


Your Bed

Sure, you might think your dog doesn't jump up on your bed, but the truth is, when you're not looking he's making himself at home. He loves you because you tolerate his bed hopping and when he sleeps with you at night, he loves that you don't mind sleeping on a tiny sliver of the bed while he sprawls out and gets comfortable.

You Clean Up After Him

What a great thing it is to have someone who will clean up every mess you make! Most dogs are lousy housekeepers and don't do well with cleaning up after themselves. They leave their business in a pile in the yard, then simply walk away from it. What do you do? You clean it up. What's not to love?

Your Kitchen Floor

The kitchen floor is a source of great treasure and your dog loves it. Not only does he love your kitchen floor but he loves you for not cleaning it immediately. Your dog will sniff around and find all the tidbits you drop and consider them a wonderful treat. This is a give-and-take part of your relationship. You can rest assured your dog will help you clean your kitchen floor (despite the fact that he is a terrible housekeeper) as long as you continue to drop bits of food now and then. It's a win-win situation.

You Don't Mind His Snoring

Sure, you probably complain about the log sawing your spouse does, but how about your dog? Dog snoring is much more endearing than human snoring. In truth, your dog doesn't care about his own snoring, or your snoring either for that matter. He loves you for tolerating his little habits.

You Put Up with His Gas

It might be a small thing, but your dog adores you for putting up with his smelly farts. Not only do you put up with the noxious odors that come from your pooch, you actually laugh about it. “Oh man! Bowser, now why did you do that? Hahaha – oh that's awful!” If your child or spouse passed gas that peeled the skin off of your face, you wouldn't be laughing. When your dog does it, you smile, pat his head and hold your breath while telling him how special he is. He really does love you for it.

You Take Care of Him

It's a dog's life… and it's really great. Your dog doesn't have to do anything, except eat, sleep, poop, play and hang out. You even give him CANIDAE Snap Biscuit® dog treats and affection. He doesn't have to clean his room, clean up after himself, take out the trash, get a job, do homework, do laundry or anything else except just be a dog. Yep, he loves you for it!

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Book Review: Careers for Your Cat

By Ruthie Bently

Do you think your feline friend needs to get a job and pull their own weight for their cat food, toys, treats and kitty litter? Well, author Ann Dziemianowicz has the solution for you! This self-proclaimed feline career counselor who assists cats in landing their dream jobs, has written Careers For Your Cat. The premise of this light-hearted look at feline careers is to enable owners to “sit back, relax, and take a well-earned cat nap.”

In the early 1990s as her bank account took a down turn, the author decided to acquaint her beloved feline companions with the hard reality of want ads, resumes and interviews. She felt her fifteen-plus years of experience as a career counselor and career coach gave her an insight into what her own feline family needed to be looking at.

After developing her unique methods, she has applied this expertise to thousands of now satisfied feline 9 to 5ers, which get up every morning to face the day and the “rat race” we all know in some form or another. She interviews owners and their felines, and after specific testing is able to point the previously wayward house cats to a life of fulfillment in their given professions.

She developed the “Meowers-Briggs Career/Personality Test” that is comprised of two parts. The test should be given after a meal in an area free of distractions to give your cat the opportunity to answer the questions to the best of their ability. It is suggested that the cat pick the answer most like themselves, but it is permissible to give as many as two answers to each question.

Part one has sixteen questions that ask a cat questions like: What is your favorite activity? Where do you prefer to sleep? What do you enjoy playing with? It finds out about a cat’s dining preferences, what they do when they see a mouse and what happens when they are greeted by a dog. These questions are designed to find out a cat’s career type. You can find out if your cat has traits that are creative, labor-intensive, intellectual or an inert introvert.

Part two of the “Meowers-Briggs Career/Personality Test” determines a cat’s personality type and is comprised of two sub-parts. By answering true or false to the options listed you are able to determine your cat’s personality. Depending on your cat’s answers to this part you are able to determine if your cat is an introvert or extravert. After your cat completes the test you can view career options for each of the seven career/personality combinations available. 

There are seven categories your cat may fit into and thirty-four total careers listed for them. For example, if your cat is an intellectual introvert, they are defined as abstract thinkers with high IQs, they value loyalty and quiet, spend hours in silent reflection and prefer to work behind the scenes for effective results. Careers available for them include librarian, marine biologist, psychotherapist and private investigator. To further define if this career would be a good fit for your cat there is a list of traits which define each career opportunity. Last but not least there are tips included for your cat to ace their interview.

Careers for Your Cat is an easy read for anyone who loves felines. At only 96 pages, it is short enough to retain any young person’s attention, and they will love the illustrations. Adults will love the wry sense of humor the author utilizes when describing the varied careers for cats. 

Before writing this book, Ann Dziemianowicz was an Advertising Manager at Simon and Schuster, and more recently she was the Assistant Director of Publications and a Senior Writer at Stevens Institute. Her own cats have had various careers. Her cat Milton is a cabaret singer, Fella is a restaurant pastry cook, and Bibsy is a private detective.

The illustrator, Ann Boyajian, has several previously published books to her credit. She lives and works with her husband and cats near Boston. She credits her four-footed feline models for the inspiration of her sophisticated, elegant graphics which reveal her wry wit.

So pour yourself a beverage, curl up in your favorite reading spot and take a look at career seeking felines who aren’t afraid to assist their human companions by pulling their own weight.

Read more articles by Ruthie Bently

You'll LOL at These Funny Cat and Dog Sites

By Tamara L. Waters

Aww, what a sweet little kitty! Such a cute puppy! We hear the oohs and ahhs at pet stores and of course, now online. Websites featuring adorable pictures and videos of dogs and cats doing the darnedest things make us laugh out loud. Yep, I'm talking about LOLcats and LOLdogs, and their cohorts among funny and cute pet websites. Here's a rundown of my personal favorites.

I Can Has Cheezburger is a favorite in my house. These silly "kittehz" and their antics never fail to entertain and make us laugh, giggle and snort. As a cat lover who has a house and yard full of my own LOLcats, I know how much fun kitty cats can create. Anyone who has visited I Can Has Cheezburger knows all about LOLspeak - a misspelled, phonetic method of speech that is used with the captions on the cat photos. Around my house, it's not unusual to hear someone asking "Mom, I can has pizza?" or "U wan know where teh Oreos are? I eated dem."

I Has a Hot Dog is LOLcats in doggy form. The LOLdogs are as funny and cute as their kitteh counterparts and really, when it comes to LOLing, a preference for canine funny or feline funny just doesn't matter - it all makes you laugh. The I Has a Hot Dog site has plenty to offer in the way of giggles and guffaws.

Cute Overload is a fun website that doesn't just focus on cats or dogs, but pretty much any animal. You'll get to see animals from every walk (and hoof) of life doing their thing and making you 'awww' and 'ooohhh' and of course laugh out loud. What's not to love about a herd of deer resting beneath a trampoline or a precocious polar bear cub? Cute Overload shows the silly side of hamsters, bunnies, cats, dogs, gorillas and more. The difference you might notice with Cute Overload is the amount of written narrative and detail about the pictures. There is usually an explanation about the photo or video and for the most part, there is no LOLspeak and proper English grammar and spelling is usually in use.

The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee website exists for a great cause - finding homes for homeless kitties. This website features such awww-inducing kitty pics that you can't help but love it. Knowing that the founder, Laurie Cinotto, started the site as a way to raise money and help these kitties makes it even more special. The IBKC isn't just about being entertained by pets, but it is more about helping them. Responsible Pet Ownership writer Julia Williams has a great article about the Itty Bitty Kitty Committee, and you can read it here.

Animal Planet Funny Pet has a variety of cute and funny video clips from the popular "Planet's Funniest Animals." The clips are usually set to music and have a narrator giving some play-by-play but they will peg your cuteness radar and make you laugh. If you're familiar with the Animal Planet series then you know it's the same as the long-lived "America's Funniest Home Videos" except that it is focused on animals and features all the crazy, funny and amazing antics the animal world has to offer.

When I have some down time and need a quick pick-me-up, I have found that animals are the perfect choice. They make me laugh. They make me smile. They bring out my sentimental and protective nature, and these websites are great choices for getting a quick jolt of digital pet fun.

Read more articles by Tamara L. Waters